So many expat couples spend at least part of their relationship apart and for many it’s thousands of miles over many years. Today, we discuss the cost of that separation on an emotional and financial level. Are you in an “LDR”?
A long distance relationship (LDR) might happen because of military duty, an overseas work assignment or because of studies at university or college. And an increasing number of LDRs are formed because of the rise in internet dating – many people start online relationships without really knowing, or perhaps caring, how far away the other person is.
The cash cost
The financial cost of an LDR is obviously going to depend on the physical distance apart. It’s probably true to say that the greater the distance the higher the cost to see each other. It’s also natural to want to do something special each time you see each other, which can put a big dent in a cost-of-living budget, especially if you meet up in one of the more expensive cities of the world.
Then there’s the time spent travelling to and fro. For many people, especially those who are self-employed, there’s a financial cost involved there too. Time travelling is time that could be spent working and earning.
The emotional ride
But the biggest “cost” has to be emotional – on many levels. In the days leading up to seeing each other after a long separation, there’s excitement and, perhaps, some anxiety too. Then you’re together and there’s that beautiful time sharing your lives and catching up. Then as the time approaches to separate again you might feel yourself putting up a barrier, almost pulling away – not wanting to but being incapable of stopping it happening. And finally, one or both of you may feel some anger at your situation, especially if you’re the one “left behind” having to face all the places and people you would usually visit together while your partner lives a fresh new life. It’s a tough, emotional roller-coaster.
The key to maintaining a LDR
There are sure to be many tips that expats can share. Here are a couple that we think will help keep your LDR going:
Maintain your friends and contacts and keep your social life going when your other half is away. Don’t turn your back on your life when your partner comes back. And, as the returning partner, don’t expect your home partner to drop everything for you… you need to try to fit in to their routine.
It’s the little every day occurrences that you miss out on in a LDR, so it’s important to share them as much as possible when you are apart.
Dr Gregory T. Guldner, author of Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide, writes: “I sometimes compare intimacy to a rope that holds two people together. The inner core of the rope is the sharing of emotions between one another. But around this core are thousands of tiny fibres made up of each seemingly mundane exchange or experience that occurs between a couple. While no one fibre is terribly important, as a whole they create the true strength of the bond. Couples in LDRs usually have a great inner core, but by itself it will not be strong enough to hold the couple together.”
So, when you call each other, try to chat as if your partner was in the same room. If they were there, would you stop doing everything and just talk, every time you had a conversation? Probably not. Try to continue doing minor chores as you speak, using a hands-free phone, like folding washing, cooking or ironing – things that don’t take much thought, but will make him/her feel they are part of your everyday life and will inspire you to chat about the minutia of your day. It’s called “parallel communication”.
Do long distance relationships work? They certainly take a lot of emotional energy to keep them going. If you found this blog helpful and want to get a conversation going about long distance relationships, please share it on your favourite social media network:
